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Whiskey & Wry

49. The Evil of Two Lessers

Hey, have you heard? Donald Trump is literally Hitler — or, rather, he was until he lobbed a few bombs in Syria's direction, thereby earning laudatory praise from our MICC-financed political class. He's also the least popular president in modern history. He's so unpopular, in fact, that major news outlets have been telling us all about it for months now. And you know what else? Trump is MENTALLY ILL. That's right. We know it's true, because a group of psychiatry experts who have never examined him say so. Now, straight off the bat, no matter who it is, no matter...

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48. Here we go again!

By now, you've had a good long while to consider what it means that we tossed a few cruise missiles at Syria. The problem, as I see it, is that you can't start throwing missiles around every time you hear from your cousin's, uncle's best friend's former roommate that somebody used chemical weapons. Chemical weapons, or "WMD" -- WMDs? WsMsDs? WMD's? I give up -- are the monster under the bed where modern government is concerned. It's gotten so that every time some obscure third-world dictator trips over his cat, the western spy network is ready to tell the president...

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47. Voodoo Medicine

Once upon a time, there was a tribe of well-meaning folks called the Nacirema. The Nacirema were, on the whole, a likable bunch, despite their enthusiasm for professional wrestling, reality television, and fatty foods, and even though some were lousy drivers who turned into annoying jerks the second they got behind their steering wheels. Anyway, it occurred to them that it wasn't right that some of their tribe didn't have the services of the local witch doctor, so they got together to see how they could solve the problem. The witch doctor said it was a simple matter of receiving payment:...

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46. The Invasive Revenue Service (IRS)

Hey, I hear Rachel Maddow doesn't pay any taxes. I mean, I don't have any *proof* that MS-NBC host Rachel Maddow doesn't pay any taxes, but I've made the claim, so we need to treat this allegation with the gravity it deserves. I demand an immediate, public, witch hunt for Maddow's personal tax information, and if she doesn't like it, well, too bad. Afterall, what's she hiding? What's her annual budget for Buddy Holly glasses? The three-ring, dumpster-fire, chainsaw-juggling circus of American politics made a lot of hay out of the fact that Ms. Maddow had (apparently illegally) obtained a...

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45. Try this — It's disgusting

Psst. Hey, buddy! Wanna lick a video game? Well, of course you don't, because you're not a lunatic. (Well, actually, maybe you are and maybe you do, but whatever gets your chicken chalupa naked, pal.) It came out recently that the game cartridges for the Nintendo Switch game console taste bad. Apparently, the cartridges are coated with denatonium benzoate, the most bitter chemical compound known to human science. According to ScienceOfCooking.com, denatonium benzoate is used to denature ethanol so that it's not taxed as an alcoholic beverage. It "discourages consumption of harmful alcohols like methyl alcohol and ethylene glycol" and is "often...

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