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Whiskey & Wry

46. The Invasive Revenue Service (IRS)

Hey, I hear Rachel Maddow doesn't pay any taxes. I mean, I don't have any *proof* that MS-NBC host Rachel Maddow doesn't pay any taxes, but I've made the claim, so we need to treat this allegation with the gravity it deserves. I demand an immediate, public, witch hunt for Maddow's personal tax information, and if she doesn't like it, well, too bad. Afterall, what's she hiding? What's her annual budget for Buddy Holly glasses? The three-ring, dumpster-fire, chainsaw-juggling circus of American politics made a lot of hay out of the fact that Ms. Maddow had (apparently illegally) obtained a...

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45. Try this — It's disgusting

Psst. Hey, buddy! Wanna lick a video game? Well, of course you don't, because you're not a lunatic. (Well, actually, maybe you are and maybe you do, but whatever gets your chicken chalupa naked, pal.) It came out recently that the game cartridges for the Nintendo Switch game console taste bad. Apparently, the cartridges are coated with denatonium benzoate, the most bitter chemical compound known to human science. According to ScienceOfCooking.com, denatonium benzoate is used to denature ethanol so that it's not taxed as an alcoholic beverage. It "discourages consumption of harmful alcohols like methyl alcohol and ethylene glycol" and is "often...

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44. The Folly of Dystopian Jenga

Remember Emelio Estevez? Before his 'Brat Pack' stardom faded and his brother, Charlie Sheen, lost his mind, he once made a movie called Wisdom in which he played a modern-day Robin Hood. He bought an Uzi, converted it to fully automatic by shortening the barrel — turns out you can do that in Hollywood — and started robbing banks for, um, justice or something. Emilio's character committed a series of crimes that took time, effort, and bullets; lots and lots of bullets. He knew — and we knew — that what he was doing was criminal. But that was then, and this is now....

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43. Our Not-So Benevolent Masters

Once upon a time, there was a wise and benevolent Council of Masters. It was their job to help the Feeble-Minded Masses get through their days. The Council passed many laws and empowered people with shiny badges to enforce those laws. The purpose? To ensure the Feeble-Minded Masses didn't make the Wrong Choices. See, left to their own devices, the masses would do Stupid Things — you know, like eating paint chips and McDonald's daily, wearing our underwear outside our clothes, or attempting to change the weather without telling the Secretary of Commerce. The Council of Masters looked out on the land and saw that...

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42. Riding high over the fiscal cliff

Congress giving away billions in national lands! Toads falling in plague swathsfrom the lightning-streaked sky! Mayan temples cracking open to disgorge clouds of ancient killer bees! ANDY DICK TO STAR IN YET ANOTHER 'INSPECTOR GADGET' SEQUEL! These and other made-up, apocalyptic headlines accompanied this article in the Guardian. The column highlights a plan by the often-worthy-of-derision Bureau of Land Management (BLM) to "give away Americans' birthright" in the form of federal land. "Republicans have overwritten the value of federal lands, easing the path to disposing of federal property even if doing so loses money for the government and provides no demonstrable...

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